Stuff Has Happened

Well, as the cleverly descriptive title suggests, stuff has indeed happened.
We have had several problems with the server, and rest assured several of the several people responsible are now hospitalized are are eating through a drip. OK, so I exaggerate, they may have been subject to a stern telling off, and in one case, the recipient of a nasty indian burn; don't mess with me, I know all the big boys!
Apologies if you are in Fuerte and couldn't see the site, but it was an error that originated from me, but as its my site, I'll blame a made up fella called Graham (never liked beards, or hens anyway - horrid feet ya see). Rest assured, the site could be seen around the world, just not from Caleta de Fuste...ah modern technology.
Moving on...
Soon we will have a new site, hosted on a different server, where we can take turns insulting the last hosting company without worries of reprisals! Send your most unique insults here, and the best ones will be published on the blog, all insults must start with, "Graham is a pleb because...".
The best beard-related insult wins a prize.

In other news today -

I have finally had to retire the important shorts, these babies held my bum and other bits rather snugly in place for many years, and have received various medals for service to genital cuppage, and other related topics too numerous to mention here.
Female members of the Slap n Tickle bar still wax poetic about the classic shorts, and the way I carried the whole look with style and a certain degree of grace, whilst at the same time, looking like a weary potato at a swimming class for the over 60s.
They will be sorely missed, and a suitable replacement is required for interview this week. All shorts fitting the bill of both, important, and shorts, should write to - click here.
A remembrance service will be held at the Slap n Tickle bar, and will be broadcast worldwide via the BBC on Tuesday (weather permitting).
Lets take a minute and think of those brave and valiant shorts. God, we shall miss thee.
Gotta go. More soon and apols for the lack of site obviousness.

Sean
caletalive

Cows Win Judo Competition

As some of you may know, I write for the local paper, and part of that job is translating news items from German to English (seriously, don't ask).
Last week I casually stuck a German news article into my translation software, who will be called Brian for the purposes of this blog, and waited patiently for the results.
Well Bri spat out the translation after a second or two, but couldn't translate one word; I got the gist of the piece so began writing away tra lala etc.
Well, the word began to bug me, and as I had been writing the article on a Judo Competition in Tenerife, I assumed I wouldn't need that one word translating.
I continued piecing together the pigeon translated English and had almost finished when the word just wouldn't leave my head.
The article so far was about 16 Fuerteventuran school boys visiting Tenerife, and taking part in, and winning many of their Judo bouts (four received gold medals). All fairly simple stuff, but the word itself, and Brian still kept niggling at me - imagine if this word was seriously to change the shape of the article? I'd be screwed. So I did a lengthly search on Google, and sure enough, the word couldn't be translated, but there were images of the translation: Cows!
I rewrote the article; 16 cows board a plane and kick the crap out of Tenerife school boys, much better I thought.
I submitted the article to the paper, not in the least concerned that 1) cows have travel documents (and is an udder classed as hand luggage, and is that in fact liquid in the hand luggage? Put it in a clear plastic bag ahh!), and 2) how do they fight? Sharpen their hooves, moo someone to death? Or maybe "wee boy, milk me until you're really really tired, ha!"
All these questions went unanswered and with little concern from yours truly and my pal Bri.
I went to a bar, and had a pint or two, as I do. I left Brian at home, as he wasn't real and was underage anyway.
A large German fella was sat in the corner ranting about flies to a reflection of himself in the mirror. He seems normal, I thought. I'll ask him.
After a lengthly chat about the flies, and their eyes (something to do with underpants, I am informed), he told me that the word did indeed mean Judo Competition. Damn!
I did make more sense, 16 school boys taking part in a Judo match, and not cows fighting with Tenerife's young innocents.
I called the paper, but it was too late. After much arguing with the printers we got the run halted, and the article was changed.
Phew as Hong Kong Phooey might say.
Job saved, and self respect as an author of note.
I blame Brian, useless.

Anyway, 16 cows (four with gold medals) are heading to mainland Spain between the 4th and 6th May to beat the shit out of anyone from Murcia. Top!

Mines a pint Bri...

http://www.caletalive.com

Telephone Engineer Ninjas and Me

Well, Telefonica, the only phone company on the island, and me have a strange relationship that began when I first moved here last April.

I enquired about a phone line installation, and all my shiny new neighbours around assured me that this would not happen, Telefonica do not install phone lines in Castillo Mar. But Telefonica told me otherwise…

Once they had stopped laughing, and having holidays because Spanish dignitiaries eyebrows had grown or summat, they said no problem, and installation would happen, a mere thirty days from now. I waited with little chance of success of course, but my occasional phone calls to the phone company left me with a slight sensation of hope. Short lived I agree, but it was there none the less.

The thirtieth day came and went, as days tend to do out here, and I made another call to Telefonica. “A site visit is required,” they said. OK I thought, I can wait another few weeks. That time frame also shot by like a gazelle on a speedboat, and once again, my phone call ended in a negative, with “you weren’t at home when we called”. But I work at home oh wise one, I implored. Nope, I wasn’t in apparently. Fact!

Damn, I thought…another polite phone call ensued, promises were made, and hopes were raised once again.

Nothing.

One more month passed, and site visits were made either nocturnally, invisibly, or by secret ninja technicians skilled in the art of unobserved cable maintenance and killing, because I never saw them, but assurances were made that these visits took place.

I waited some more, my internet usage bill at the local Internet Café (hello Colin) now rivalled that of Russia.

Finally I made yet another phone call (I could by this time recite the Spanish on-hold information by heart without understanding a word), I spoke to a kindly woman, who obviously hadn’t been there long as she was very helpful, and seemed to know what she was talking about. Won’t last I thought, she’ll either become a telefonica cyborg, or be dead by Thursday.

“No,” she said, “there are no phone lines in that street; you won’t get a phone line there.”

Bingo, a straight answer. I put the phone down victoriously, and ran around the room for a bit. Strange, I hadn’t got my required phone line, but I had got a straight answer…almost as good, hi five!

For fun, I called them back and got through to someone else, and was told that a site visit would take place this very afternoon.

I sat in the bar expectantly with night vision goggles and infa-red equipment, just in case a stealth bomber dropped off Mr Ninja and his pliers, and watched the house from the comfort of a stool.

Nothing on the radar: as expected. I returned the equipment to SpyFuerteventura (a John Stone Company), and went home for a sulk and a sit down.

Finally, I called them again, and was told that a site visit had taken place last week and that I would not be getting a phone line, as my street had no cabling.

Brilliant. Two months of wasted time and effort.

So, I moved house, a little drastic some might say, but as someone who works from home on a laptop, a phone line is fairly up there!

Once the move was complete, I got my phone connected within 14 days, with little fanfair and was very happy until the bills started coming in.

I paid a bill by direct debit on the 3^rd of the month for €78, okay, fair enough, installation and stuff. I then got another direct debit on the 8^th, and a third on the 15^th.

I called Telefonica, and was told (I may be exaggerating a little here) –

“Hi Mr Redfearn, just thought you’d like to know our latest policy on billing: we will take random amounts out of your account on an almost daily basis, until you tell us to stop, after which (and a few short months of yet more billing and cash removing) we will stop, well…kind of. Hope that is okay with you?”

As I said, a slightly biased view of a conversation which didn’t take place, but, it was very similar to real life and continues to this day.

The latest addition to this saga is: now they take random amounts of money from me, and when its all gone, they write to me and ask me to pay at the nearest bank (don’t get me started!), I dutifully do this, and then they take the money from my account as well! See what they did? Very clever; caught me off-guard, no one expects that!

Telefonica I salute you, you are possibly the worst company in the world, and the great bit is, you couldn’t care less. Brilliant!

Watch out for Ninja Billing and installation in your area.

Slap n Tickle, Caleta de Fuste

Hi again.

As promised the updated Slap n Tickle pages are ready.

Well, the bar has had a bit of an external makeover, and the pool now resembles all other pools - it contains water!
External changes to one side: there is no disguising the contents: Strange people who love to dress up, hard working residents, and party people tourists come to this bar for fun, and lots of it.
A great bar, and a great night, I promise you.
They even offered me free storage facilities for my briefcase. I had forgotten to remove a full uncovered jar of Ali Oli from it, and on its safe return to me several weeks later, I noticed a subtle stench emitting from within. Smashing.

On meeting my next client, I tentatively opened the recently returned brief case to show them my caletalive wares, and both our faces slithered off and landed in a fizzing lumpy pool on the floor. The client was a bit ugly, and I resemble a potato so no harm done really.
Anyway, sorry, rambling on, a truly great bar, lots of fun for all, and wonderful characters behind the bar. Nightly entertainment, every night, and more importantly, great cheap food and drink, happy hours, and themed nights, and once again, the F word "fun".

If you like your entertainment with a capital E, then go here.

Tell em Sean sent ya, and give them the secret password: garlic briefcase.

Go here for the full page

www.caletalive.com

Bars in Caleta de Fuste

Well, hello Caleta, and nosy people from around the world (hi).
I have a couple of things to report today. Firstly, I shouldn't really be talking to you at
all; you are beneath me, you are contemptible, blah blah...
Yes thats right, I am now royalty - I have been crowned "Mr Malibu" by the Malibu Bar in Monte Castillo. The title was a hard won battle, but I came out victorious. I beat a fair adversary into bloodied submission, a Mr Ian Greggan of Dominium, who put up the fight of his life, but just couldn't hold his own when it came to the nitty and the gritty.
I won most rounds, but credit where it is due, Ian beat me in the rather snappily titled wear-a-tampon-on-a-rope-and -sink-it-into-a-bottle-of-water-and-carry-it-to-the-finish-line
Contest, but victory was mine elsewhere; eating cream with chicken, downing a pint with a straw, apple bobbing (!?) etc, all manly pursuits (I cannot look at chicken anymore).
My prize has been exhausting; opening village fetes, kissing babies, after dinner speaking, I am so tired.
To sum up, if I am required for baby kissing, or fete opening duties, then contact Ian, he is my second, and I am passing all administrative tasks to him.


The Slap n Tickle bar in Castillo Mar, is having its web page and its facade a bit of a face lift, the new page will be ready on Monday, and the bar is now doing fine business in the newly revamped complex; a paint job, and a pool refurb, make this place a must for fun loving people, as well as the curious (very curious), and the strange.
Their page will feature, in a ddition to a review by the Fuerteventura News, but also a pictures page, highlighting some of their fun themed evenings.

Check back here on Monday

Best go as a baby has appeared at a fete, and Ian Greggan is nowehere to be found. Damn him!

Sean
http://www.caletalive.com

Apartment Rentals Fuerteventura

Hi all,

well its been fun so far, lots of subscribers banging on the door (well quite a few), and one of them I have included here as their page is finished first, check it out on www.caletalive.com, or read this snippet and click away later. All subscribers will get this treatment, as well as an article or two; just lots of keyword rich content for the search engines to much on. It all helps your presence on the web - QED - its helps your business.

What fun!

Holiday Apartments in Fuerteventura

For Holiday Apartments in Fuerteventura, contact the specialists: Apartment Rentals Fuerteventura.
Claire and Caroline will look after you from start to finish, they handle everything for you; you just have to turn up, and start enjoying yourself.

Since 2004 Apartment Rentals Fuerteventura have been involved with the letting of holiday homes, villas, and duplexes in and around Caleta de Fuste, Fuerteventura. They have grown considerably since those days, and now boast a diverse range of additional services, such as:

Property Security Checks Airport Transfers
Cleaning
Additional Accessory Hire
Building Work

Holiday Apartments in Fuerteventura

Most of these additional services come under the umbrella of “Help at Hand”, their Property Management Company, which also incorporates a building and Construction firm. So now as well as coming for a relaxing stay in one of their apartments, you can now let your own apartment (if you have one) through Apartment Rentals Fuerteventura. They can maintain your apartment for you, fit kitchens, painting and decorating, and even do Spa and Pool Maintenance.

So for your ideal Holiday Apartment in Fuerteventura, click HERE, or contact them directly on (+34) 626921553 or (+34) 617277114

Email Apartment Rentals Fuertevntura on
infohelpfv@hotmail.com


Holiday Apartments in Fuerteventura

A Quick Hello...

Hi, would just like to welcome you all to the Caletalive.com's blog. Its mine too, as I am the one writing it, but there ya go.

What you will get on the blog is a lot of articles written about Caleta/El Castillo/Costa Caleta - or whatever you want to call it, for arguements sake, I am calling it Caleta for short - plus some news items, plus any links to the main sites updated bits.
Over the next few weeks articles will appear here, as will other bits of stuff that is interesting to residents, holiday-makers, or simply those having a read (hello).
But first, a tiny bit about myself - my name is Sean and I run the Caletalive website, I do a few other things too, but this is primarily it. I come from, originally Sheffield, then when I got some sense, I moved to London, then finally one year ago, I moved here with my girlfriend.


I have run several companies, most of which went from nothing to mega profit; sadly one of which, did pretty much the opposite, but thats life I guess.
I have beena writer for many years and have even had a few books published under the monica "Alan Redman"; go look it up on Amazon right now.
I have written for several papers, and love this typing lark to bits.

I will be your genial host, so lets rock etc.

Remember to check out - www.caletalive.com